Yes, it doesn’t matter who you are, where you live, or how many cars you have stashed in that garage, just when you think you have it all figured out, boom, it changes. Shattering any illusions of predictability you may have held onto, and other than clinging on for dear life and perhaps being slightly better prepared for them, there is little a human can do about these inevitable “kick in the butt” transitions.
“I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different from before”.
This quote is often why many of life’s transitions take the proverbial wind right out of our sails. We aren’t stupid, right? We know lives end, careers complete, and children leave home. Unexpected forks in the road appear, and irrespective of the profound promises made at alters, things change, and when they do, as surprised as we may be, we can either step forward into a “not yet defined” future or shrink back into the perceived safety of denial (it’s not a river in Egypt, people 😁).
I know it’s far easier said than done; this brave moving into the unknown is not what we are prepared for. It’s unpredictable, and we (our reptilian brain, to be precise) don’t like that. That’s why, more often than not, when these moments come screaming through the back door, and we face unexpected life events, we often fall apart, doubting ourselves, asking the heavens, “Why me?”
Types of transitions
You see, in this life of ours, there are two types of transitions:
- Transitions that happen, seemingly without our permission, action, or decision (like how very dare this happen). Someone dies suddenly, or you, a dedicated, committed employee, faces being retrenched. Your health takes a tumble, or he/she suddenly chooses to leave the supposedly solid relationship OR, it’s
- Transitions you willingly, consciously take action to trigger. You leave the relationship; you make a seemingly risky career change. You stop being the doormat to those around you and start saying no. So why, when you make these courageous, tough decisions, does it feel all wrong? You get the overwhelming feeling that you may be making the worst mistake of your life, and you should definitely be running straight back to the safe, predictable, yes, not-so-happy situation you just left.
As you may have guessed, yes, I, Bonita, am facing one of those life moments where I, as if for the first time in my entire life, suddenly realized, “Girl, you don’t have forever, so what do you want to do right here, right now to ensure that when your chapter closes, you have as few regrets as possible.”
Quite a loaded question to ask oneself while also demanding a well-crafted answer, right? Oh, the pressure mounts 😁.
Now you understand my current, slightly neurotic on the inside, yet calm and collected on the outside schizophrenic situation.
What to do?
So what did I do? As always, I nose-dived straight into my Kindle (back to my essence, words). Now, this Kindle of mine has no shortage of downloaded books for “just the right moment,” even though I seldom have the slightest clue when the “right” moments will show up. Who does right?
However, this question led me to the perfect “right moment book” aptly tilted, yes, can you believe it “Making Sense of Life’s Transitions” by William Bridges. I downloaded this book almost 3 years ago (apparently, the right moment swiftly passed me by back then 😂).
However, as always the Universe has a way of almost magically leading humans to the right place should they show just a little genuine interest and be willing to stop pretending that they have it all under control. We don’t trust me on this one. Most humans have a perfectly curated version of “having it all under control” permanently displayed to an ever-judging world.
Let me tell you, in truth, when the unthinkable happens or when life does not quite work out as planned, few humans have it all under control. Me, I am dancing on the edge of chaos, one minute super excited, and the next, wondering what the hell happened to my sanity (did I ever really have any inclining of a sane moment, did I ever have anything under control)?
Transition phases
William Bridges talks about three phases of all transitions (this includes those you actively choose, such as a career change, leaving that dreadfully unhappy relationship, or going to live off the grid):
- An ending followed by
- A period of confusion and distress, leading to
- A new beginning
Now, humans either deal with the above by dashing through them at pace, almost always skipping that essential middle phase entirely. Or we linger around, moving slowly through these phases (except the middle one; most of us don’t like this place, and although some may choose to live here, most humans don’t do much lingering here).
Bridges states that whether you are a dasher or lingerer is largely the result of how you have been wired to deal with endings as a child. However, almost all of us skill-fully find a way to skip that frustrating middle, rushing off into something new long before we have fully let go of and learned from the old. He also reminds us that we all need to pitch our tent, settle down, and spend time in that frightening, uncomfortable, yet invaluable “middle”.
Beginnings
All new beginnings hide themselves in endings. Yes, things end on this earth, it often sucks and is seldom easy. However, new beginnings cannot unfold without an ending. That is just the way life is for humans on this planet. So, it may be best for us to take some time to understand these three phases of a transition so that, at the very least, we may be just a tad better prepared for the inevitability of the things we hide from.
We need to be more prepared for the unexpected loss we need to work through when we choose differently, resulting in a self-imposed transition (often the tough ones because YOU chose it).
Never confuse the loss you feel with your decision to move on as being a mistake. Even if the relationship brought you little joy there will still be loss when you leave. Even though the job with the great title was mind-numbing, there will still be loss when you walk away. Loss does not = wrong decision, never confuse the two. Mourn the loss, and learn what needs to be learned so that when you leave that horrible middle, that frustrating, confusing time in the passage, you do so with as little baggage as possible.
The challenge
The most challenging part is in the midst of a transition. It is not always easy to see exactly what is ending or what else may emerge to take its place, and letting go of the old, oh my greatness, this is traumatic right? The confusion and suffering “nowhere” of the in-between places. That time in the passage before a door opens up a new situation is where we so often make all the damn wrong decisions because we are impatient. we don’t trust ourselves and we start wondering if the old may have not been much better.
You see the old connections and habits act as definitions of who we are. Without them we feel a deep sense of loss, because we tend to identify ourselves with the circumstances of our lives (good or bad). Who we think we are are is partly defined by our roles and relationships, those we like AND those we don’t’.
Why oh why?
Why is letting go so difficult? Especially if we have been longing for the change and triggered it ourselves. Surely life should be feeling magical, filled with sunshine and positive vibes. Why do we find ourselves still holding on to what we used to be? Wondering whether that old thing, despite everything we thought we knew, was right for us and the new thing entirely wrong? This damn doubt becomes king of the moment, and we find ourselves doubting what we once believed and felt was 100% right for us.
Life is constantly evolving, changing, and moving. So even when we feel like throwing our hands into the air, wondering how the hell we could be facing the latter part of our lives, while internally it feels like we haven’t yet got a handle on adolescence, we should not be left bewildered and entirely paralyzed by the inevitable.
Passage time
Take the time and hang out in the passage. Don’t build a permanent structure there, entirely missing all the doors flying open because you’re super comfortable in this in-between space. Mourn what has been lost or left behind. Learn from your decisions, including the ones you didn’t make. Then, keep your eyes wide open for opportunities and new possibilities because they are inevitable. However, they won’t bang your door down, forcing you to notice.
Transitions happen, there is no stopping them, so I say make them part of your dance 🙂.
“Navigating life is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how, yet we all pretend we do”.